Gremlins in India

We’re staying in one of the older American branded hotels here in Chennai – the Chola Sheraton. It’s haunted by Gremlins. Of this I have no doubt.

In World War Two, airmen blamed the mythical Gremlins for random, unexplainable mechanical failures. They’ve all migrated to India, and here the entire Gremlin population seems intent on keeping us from sleeping.

Gremlins are particularly good with electrical devices, as most have Electrical Engineering degrees, and fantastically insulated pliers, which allow them to cut live wires at will.

I’ve estimated there are no less than six Gremlins living in this hotel, judging by the droppings and coordinated attacks. They’ve devised the following torture schedule for their amusement:

4:00 AM – The “Indian Two Step” boogie: Gremlin #1 turns on the television to a Hindi channel with exotically dressed people dancing about at top volume, while Gremlin #2 moves the remote to a location farthest from the bed. Gremlin #3 and #4 have arranged the low heavy furniture in an ever changing, complex pattern which allows me to get to a full walking speed before tripping over one table, while turning another into teak toothpicks by crashing down upon it. When I regained consciousness the other night at about 4:15, I was lying on the floor with no less than six 4” splinters embedded in my soft parts.

5:15 AM – The “Night of a Thousand Lights” torment: some nights, the Gremlins will turn on everything electrical in my room simultaneously. I will inevitably spring up Frankenstein style, and pinball about the room in a coma searching the walls for light switches that are not there. As soon as I have reached the farthest point from the bed and his night vision is completely wiped out, they’ll turn off ALL the lights, stranding me in a sea of darkness. When the lights went out last night, I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open or closed - I had to feel them with my fingers before crawling back to bed.

8:15 AM – The “Wake-up call HA HA”: This is a particularly embarrassing torture, which involves a phone and the whole lobby staff. Somehow, the Gremlins have figured out a way to completely control the phone next to my bed. When the woman in the lobby did my wakeup call this morning, the bedside phone was rigged to go directly to speaker mode, NO RINGING. So imagine….I’m WIPED OUT asleep, suffering a concussion, my room is completely blacked out with the curtains closed, and suddenly there’s a woman on a loudspeaker 6” from my skull.

This morning’s call went something like this I think:

Me: SNORE. SNORE. SNORE.

Woman: Mr. Freedman! This is your wakeup call!

Me: What ? What ? TURN IT OFF! Where are you? ME! VOICE LADY! HEY!
(I’m STILL ASLEEP)

Woman: Mr. Freedman, this is Kumari from the front desk, are you hearing me?

Me: Hearing? YES! Why this? What have you done with my lamb, LAMP, dammit? The Chops! The Chops!

Woman: MR FREEDMAN THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL

Eventually, I woke up, and realized what was happening. While I’m shouting sentence fragments at a busted phone, she’s downstairs thinking she’s dialed the looney hatch. I could imagine the conversation in the lobby as soon as she hung up the phone: “You know the chubby American in room 609? He must be in India for an exorcism or something!"